Miya and I wrote this during AP Human when we were supposed to be studying. Fun. She wrote in red and I wrote in orange, but I'm making it purple here because purple is superior.
Once upon a July a beautiful Indian woman saw a cougar. She said, "Scandalous!" for the cougar had been shaven bald. In his hand he had a hamburger and a bikini. "Give me that," she screamed and grabbed the bikini. Then she ran into the bushes and changed into the bikini. Her clothes she wrapped around her head in a turban. From somewhere unseen, she pulled out a cell phone and told the cougar, "Before you eat me, let me have one phone call" and proceeded to dial 5634251010. Ring. Ring...
Roar, said the cougar.
"Is that you on the phone?" She asked, suddenly very afraid. "Do you think you're clever or something? Scaring me like this? Never saying nothing at all?" She heard a rustle and looked to the trees. There, a man in a loincloth stood, with dark skin, beady eyes, and a moustache. He was so thin, almost paper-like, and looked rabid.
"Oh." She sighed, and almost fainted. He rushed over to her side and caught her curvy frame.
"I am Panito," he said tenderly as he dabbed at her forehead with a corner of his loincloth.
The girl said, "Thank you for your kindness" and kissed him in her sleep (because it is scandalous to do so whilst awake.) With a "POOF" and a "Shwam!" the man disappeared, a paper bag lie where he vanished.
"helo1111 i am ernest111" He twirled on one corner furiously until the edges began to smoke. Then Ernest vanished into smoke and a great fire ignited, enough to keep the woman warm for the night. The woman said, "Oh how kind, he gave his life for me!" and started to cry until she saw Ernest, being carried away by a man with a tall hat and a suit. They were being pursued by a silhouette on skis, too fast to make out what it was.
She returned to her original spot, where the cougar had been. "Oh my." She gasped, "Oh my." There, on the ground, was the cougar's carcass ripped into nice chunky steaks. "Eat me" was scratched into a leaf and several leaf-eating ants were hastily escaping the scene.
The woman had to resist but how she wanted to give in. She thought of her many sensual fantasies: Being dipped in A1 whilst using beef kabobs as batons; being wedged in between a hamburger; chickens, roasted, clucking near her feet...
She grabbed a chunk and began chomping away. "Excuse me," she heard a voice. The woman looked up, face red with blood and embarassment. She couldn't speak because it was taking her a while to chew cougar steak. First she saw a pair of rainbow shoes, followed by long legs in purple jeans, suspenders attached to them. A mop of curly hair framed a soft face with hazel eyes. "Woman" he said. "You need to work off that weight..."
"ROXERCISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And so it began.
END CHAPTER 1
Mika and the woman began to demand more makeup please. Out of nowhere, Penny Rose and Ve Neill, the costume and makeup artist for PotC, respectively, and possibly Sweeney Todd, appeared. Penny Rose said, "We are here to help you, but first we must check the gate." Sure enough, there was St. Peter (who wouldn't call her name) and the pearly gates.
"What?" the woman said, "I don't get it." Then Penny Rose said, "HELL AWAITS!"..The woman tilted her head to one side obviously confused. A loud thump was heard followed by "hel tirns poepel ento ahses1111"
Creak, clunk, schlump, KAPOW. The ground descended into a set of stairs, clearly leading to HELL!!!! A band of Oompa Loompas sang, "Aaagh," in a romantic way and pushed her into the hole. The woman descended the stairs into HELL!!!!
She woke up, sweaty and lying on asphalt, her chest heaving, pulse thumpin...."Oh No! Did I have another erotic dream?" She got up, looked around and saw...a stuffed beaver!
There, a knife. There, a tarp. And there, the Organ Collecting Prong 5000! In 50 karat diamonds and gold!!!! Was this hell or paradis?!!!
"Oh my! Gold! The food of my people!" She said as she gobbled the beaver up.
Then she set about rearranging the organs in the dead panda laying on the metal table. Soon she was ready to begin work. She made a cut on its neck and dragged the blade downwards. "What...are you doing?" said a voice. It was smooth, but dangerously so. The woman looked up and saw buck teeth, a blonde wig, a face too hideous to be mortal, too ugly to be immortal. She got the worst of both worlds.
"Hi. I'm the devil," it said, its southern twang unmistakable."
"What?" The woman said, "Who are you?"
"I'm the devil."
"What?"
"This is where people go when they are too fat for earth. If you want to leave, there is one thing you must do..."
"What?"
The devil sighed, raised her claws hight, and was ready to strike, when
"ROXERCISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
END OF CHAPTER 2!
The woman looked in horror upon the devil. "Hey y'all!" the devil said, "Come on down and have some milk and bananas!
"I can't eat meat," the woman replied, sad that she could not join the devil for Oktoberfest. "But please, receive this gift basket as a present." And she pulled a basket from the reeds. The devil peeked inside.
"Eww! I don't want this bay-bay!" and it threw the child into the woman's arms. "I do like this assortment of cheese, though."
"I shall name him Moses, for he has come from the water," the woman said, and began to trek back to Earth with Moses in her papoose.
ound a geyser near the stairway to heaven, but decided global warming was more important than going to heaven. Thus, she sat upon the geyser, and was shot straight to the surface of the earth, in a quaint town called
...
..
.
COMPTON.
"Ooh. Look baby Moses," she cooed to him, tickling his cheek. Baby Moses slapped her. Shocked, she looked around her. "Love is respect," a torn up billboard read.
Behind her, a deep voice said, "How much?"
"Well, I didn't want to sell the baby, but..."
"I don't want your bay-bay!" the man said.
He tossed the baby aside. "No!" the woman screamed. The baby, though, was silent. A white light absorbed him. He was lifted in the air and a person-figure formed. The woman looked with tears in her eyes - of confusion - as the glowing messiah whispered to her,
"helo111 i ma faree godnuther111"
He paused. "i want yur babiee1 relaks, taik it easie. he is saife now111" The woman, speechless with awe, watched baby Moses leave her behind in this cold desolate place.
"So...how much?" the deep voice asked again.
"400 huderd nd stoopid dollhairs meenie pooup1" the messiah yelled, as he wrapped the woman in a soft, velvety - yet papery - embrace. A bicycle materialized where the "baby" once lay. The duo hopped on, off to the forgotten town of the woman's past, where she had left every friend, lover, and family member behind.
CERRITOS.
"sie. doesnt it feel nies to be cleen and free of poop///1" the messiah mentioned conversationally.
"It's not over yet," she replied darkly.
"oh. in that caise,"
Whoosh.
"Where am I?"
A bored receptionist looked up. "Dr. Brown's colonoscopy office." She took another look at the woman. "But the psychiatric department is just down the hall."
"doris11" the messiah greeted.
Doris just stared, bored..."Frank, we've got some nutjob bag in a fairy costume and an Indian bombshell. I'm transferring them to you." Doris grumbled into the phone at her desk.
"come on doris, donet be like tis1 we were frends befor you became a woman1" the messiah tried his best, but Dr. Frank had already come in to collect his patient.
Next thing she knew the woman was on a bed with her mouth wide open
On her back, feeling prone.
Frank loomed over her, a foreign object in his hand.
"Let's look at those cavities!" he yelled with joy.
"WHAT CAVITIES?" the woman yelled back.
"Why your teeth of course!" Frank said. "Your tooth fairy friend said you needed a checkup before you visit the night janitor!"
"faree godmuther. git ti rite111"
"I have people everywhere..." Dr. Frank warned darkly, like a scanner.
"bring it own111" the messiah screamed, its body twitching violently.
"Bring it on yourself!!!" Dr. Frank's belly seemed to grumble.
Just then there was a polite knock at the door. A middle-aged homely man peeked his head in. "Is everything all right Doctor?"
"It's fine, go wait outside for your root canal to be built!"
But it was too late. There had been eye contact.
"...Anusha?"
"OH SHIT!" ANUSHA yelled. She couldn't face him now. Not after he caught her in the backseat of her car, pumping ovaltine with another man.
"Huh." the night janitor thought for a moment. Then he looked up at Dr. Frank. "Hey Doctor, could you excuse us for a moment?" Dr. Frank left, knowing he had his peepholes.
"And you too, fairy godmother?" Ernest twitched violently once more.
"fien1"
"Anusha," he said. "Ever since your calculator broke while you were pumping ovaltine with that man, I've never felt the same, but upon seeing you again, I want to be with you...again."
Anusha immediatly thought of all the broken hearts she had collected. She had to put an end to her ways, and thus decided to make a turn for the better. But first, how to get rid of all that extra weight...
ROXERCISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
End Chapter 3.